As "Kiki" notes, "With this aim in mind, I was actually a loser, much to my bitter, bitter disappointment. Ironically, I nearly didn't send anything in originally because I thought using 'Hitler' in the title would mark it an obvious ringer. I mean, surely EVERYONE has seen THE PRODUCERS!?! I figured they'd take one look at it, think 'Springtime for Hitler' and immediately toss it out. But then I thought, 'Well, since the whole purpose of the contest is to get rejected in the first place, this'll be a virtual shoo-in!' So I sent it after all. I honestly assumed they would recognize my 'homage' to Mel [Brooks] and dismiss it out of hand. Hence my supreme disappointment at being accepted "
The only submission rejected by WLA was a really, really bad piece of "cyber-poetry." But everything else was gladly accepted, including Kiki's piece. Not only was she enthusiastically accepted, she received a follow-up letter later asking why she hadn't sent her "reading fee" in with her manuscript. The following is exactly as the submission was sent to Woodside, and was used as EXHIBIT A in the US Postal Inspection Service investigation. The errors in it are intentional, proving that Woodside was not a real literary agent, as a real one would never accept a submission like this:
Kiki Rothschild
Copyright 1996
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED!
Even Hitler got the blues
by k. Rothschild
I tell myself 'even Hitler got the blues" whenever I get mad about
something which is pretty often because the world is so messed up. I
mean you see all the crazy people out there and the slimey basterds in
the government and you wonder why you go on. But you have to for your
Race. I am proud of my Race just like everyone else but sometimes
theres so many people int he world who dont like you just because
youre White but I tell them I dont judge them just because their black
so what?
When I was in my teens none of the other kids liked me. That was o.k.
with me I didn't like them ether. One guy said I was a Lesbian which
I'm not and all the other kids said I was a Lesbian but I wasnt. THEY
are all the queers and dikes and faggets, not me. I got back at them
as youll see.
One day in highschool this guy was real mean to me and he pushed me
against the lockers. I pushed him back and hit him right in the face
with my math book. He started calling me all sorts of names but the
teacher came out and I started crying and I said he was trying to Rape
me. So I got him in trouble and I got to leave school early because I
started crying and stuff. He said I was lying but the principle didnt
beleve him because he said I was so upset. I sat in his office for a
while and cryed until I could leave. Then I went to the mall.
I was walking around the mall but I didn't buy anything becase I didnt
have any money. But once school let out a bunch of kids went there and
I didnt want to see them so I had to hide. There was a knife shop that
had those chinese throwing stars and knifes and stuff and I went in
there. I walked around and pretended like I was interested in the
knifes and stuff and I asked questions to the guy who was in there.
"Do you like knifes?" He asked me,.
"Yes" I said but I was only being polite.
"No you dont I can tell," He said.
I laughed because I was real ernbarassed but he said that was okay, he
didnt like knifes that much either he just sold them. He really liked
guns, he said, but the Government wouldnt give him a permitt to sell
them because they wear afraid of the TRUTH.
What do you mean by that" I asked him.
"Your just a kid" he said, "you wont understand":.
But I told him everyone siad I was real mature for my age which is
probably why all the stupid kids who are popular dont like me. My mom
alwaays said it doesnt matter what they think but it made me sad and
mad anyway. Buyt when this guy said that it didnt matter what they
think it was like I never herd it before. He was a real nice guy, and
he was kind of cute in an older sort of way. He was real nice too, and
it wasnt long before I was real intrested in what he said.
"Do you read the Holy Bible?" he asked me.
"Of course I do" I said because back then I thought I did.
No I mean really read it," He said, and he went into the backroom and
came out with his Bible which was a red-letter Bible. "I always bring
it with me so I can read it and discover what Jesus really said to
me."
"But every week my mom takes me to church and they talk about it all
the time." I said
He asked me what church i go to and I told him St Matthews.
"I know the people there and they don't know the true story of the
Bible," he said. "You have to really know the bible in order to
understand it and most people dont try to know it they just beleve
what people tell them. Just like you beleve what your preacher says to
you each sunday, but Tm here to tell you its not true."
"It has to be true because its in the Bible I said.
"No because when its in the Bible Jesus means something else because
he always speaks in parabels and alot of people take him seroiusly but
really theres another message Jesus is trying to teach us which the
church doesn't teach you because they're afraid."
"Their not afraid" I felt like argueing because I was just a kid then
and I thought this guy was crazy. When youre a kid you think
you know everything and its not until youre a adult that you really do
know everything. Now that Tm grown up I look back at some of the
things I thought and said and did when I was a kid and I just laugh
all embarassed because I did really dumb things but when I was that
age I didnt realize it they were dumb.
"They are afraid," he said. "You just dont knwo it because youre a
teenager and you think you know everyhting. But you dont and the
government wants to hide the TRUTH from you because they know the
TRUTH will set you free. It says so right in the Bible which is the
word of the one True God. Jesus died so you can be happy"
"But I'm not happy really" I said and all of a sudden I started to cry
again. He hugged me and told me it was okay and that Jesus cried in
the Bible to because a friend died and people didnt understand him and
they hung him from the Cross because they didnt understand him. So
when Tm suffering I should remember how much Jesus suffered because he
loves me.
"Anyway I like guns but the goverment wont let me sell them because
they have there stupid regulations to keep guns out of the hands of
the people even though its written in the Constitution that we have
the right to bear arms. Its called the Second Amendment and its our
God-given right to have guns to protect our family and our loved ones
from the governemtn who want to take our houses like they did on Ruby
Ridge. Some liberal freaks keep getting elected and they keep trying
to take guns from me but they 11 have to pry my cold dead finger from
the trigger before Ill give up my guns. Have you ever shot a gun?" I
said no and he said You should try it some time its alot of fun
besides you shoudl lern to protect yourself from all the bad people
out there because some day theres going to be a war and the white
people will have to fight for their rights just like right now their
fighting for their guns.
He gave me his card but first he wrote something down on the other
side of it. "You say the kids in school dont liek you but thats
because they do not know the Bible like they should. Here you can take
my Bible and read it carefully specally the parts I have marked down.
Then you will see that Jesus is the One True Lord and he will help you
get your Holy Revenge on all your enemies."
I took his card and his Bible and thanked him. I was just a kid like I
said and I really wanst planning on reading it but I figered I should
say so just to be polite, so I went home and I told my Mom I bought a
Bible and she was very happy that I was reading the Bible. But I didnt
read it for a while until one day I was bored and there wasnt anything
on TV.
(Thats the end of the first chapter if you want more just ask me and
Ill send it!)
Subj SHHH! It's the First Annual Woodside "Literary Agency" Contest! Date Wednesday, January 12, 2000 033655 PM Inspired by the "acceptance" by Woodside of an intentionally, laughably bad sample chapter written by one of our folks, maybe it's time for an underground First Annual Woodside Bad Writing Competition. Here is the premise Can you write something so bad, so clearly uncommercial, that even Woody Woodside would have trouble keeping a straight face as he sent out praise and a demand for $150 reading fee? In other words, have you anything in your most maudlin adolescence journals, your most drug-addled writings, your middle of the night ramblings, you most convoluted metaphoric poem, or your best worst deliberate attempt for this contest, to be so bad that even Woodside would almost consider rejecting it? IF YOU'RE IN You must mail your Woodside submission by November 15 and send a copy to me here at Contest Headquarters. Don't wait 'til the deadline though, you procrastinating writers, because James will get suspicious if he suddenly gets a dozen letters in one day. Also, make sure you use a pseudonym, in case he's been paying attention. JUDGING Will take place late in December, after we've all presumably gotten our acceptance letters from the "Agency." Who will do the judging? Maybe I'll post them on misc.writing and let people vote, or something--or if we want to take it the next step, we could chip in the $150 and buy the winner full- fledged agency representation from a well-known NY/FL agency! Prizes will be given on a variety of criteria like style, how many writing rules you can break per 100 words, mixed and sliced metaphors, and so on. Rejection by Woodside--although unlikely--may or may not be a detriment to winning. Let the Worst Writer Win! SERIOUS SIDE The side benefit of this could be that we'll have further documentation in case we ever have the need to illustrate to an impartial observer what a scam this Woodside Agency is. P. S. In case you need the address and the types of writing they're looking for, and haven't seen a press release lately.... Subject: 00WUW/ WRITERS WANTED/ ALL FICTION/ ALL NONFICTION/ WGP-- From: James Leonard <105222,1250@compuserve.com> Date: 17 Oct 1996 040156 GMT SUBJECT: ALL WRITERS SEEKING PUBLICATION NEW YORK CITY LITERARY AGENCY EXPANDING We are accepting new (and previously published) writers. Our offices are located in New York City, the Lake George region of New York State, and Marco Island, Florida. What to submit, and where to send it. All fiction and non fiction, including scripts for TV, Movies, and Theater: send brief synopsis, first chapter, self-addressed, stamped envelope (S.A.S.E) For poems: send 3, S.A.S.E. For Short Stories: brief synopsis, first 3 pages, S.A.S.E Please do not submit your complete manuscript unless invited. The Woodside Literary Agency 33-29 58 Street Woodside, NY--11377 (718) 651-8145 c/o Dr. Susan Day
Subj Shhh! Don't forget to submit to the Woodside Lit Age Contest! Date Wednesday, January 12, 2000 033700 PM Hello, All Writers Well, it's just ten more days for the Woodside Literary Contest (come up with something bad enough, but with a demented style, that even Woody Woodside will have to swallow twice before telling you "how great it is, send $500") and so far I've received exactly two entries. Remember: deadline is Nov 15. You must both mail your entry to the Woodman (below) and e-mail a copy to me here at contest headquarters. If you need a reminder of the rules, let me know. Jack Mingo
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